What a way to make a living...

To contextualise this vomit-inducing find I should tell you that I saw them in Office. On London's trendy Carnaby Street. In the year 2010. Not in fact at the local cattle fair-come-clothes-market in down-home Tennessee in the year 1856. Tory tells me that they are part of Office's range inspired by the legendary Dolly Parton. Now Dolly has gifted the world with many things, including a charming sense of humour and an improbable waist-to-breasts ratio (I know they're fake but seriously, the woman should not be able to remain upright) but I think we can all agree that good sartorial taste is not one of those gifts. In fact I'm sure Dolly would be the first to admit that she looks gaudy and cheap and corrrect me if I'm wrong but 'gaudy' and 'cheap' should not be in Office's remit.

They look pleathery, which is ironic as they are in fact made with real leather. They have a kitten heel - hurl. They have jaunty steel toe-caps which - unless you are a good time girl prostitute in a bad Western who also happens to work around heavy masonry - I think is a feature too far. They have a weird star/time-portal logo on them which bares more than a passing resemblance to the logo for Tyra Banks' Bankable Productions (it is not OK that I know that...). They have stitching and studs which would indicate that they have aspirations in the 'heeled cowboy boot' category. They are just so so wrong that nothing this side of Tennessee could make them right.

Putting the heel in

Now I don't want to overdo the shoe puns... oh who am I kidding, I live for puns... but it took a lot of sole-searching to bring myself to even look at this mutant accessory for more than three seconds.

In fact, I fear more than a cursory glance will force the eyes to weep, stomach to reject lunch and brain to explode simultaneously.

Let's break this down. Were this not an item from the splicing laboratory of an insane professor Jordan, it would be a boot and a bag. Firstly the boot - a pink boot should never sport a black heel, especially one of the 'neither-nowt nor sommat' height of three inches. (You may have gathered already that Bee and myself are fans of the big gal shoes.)

The straps are arbitrary. Are they there to strap the shoe and bag together, as their shared hideousness renders them, like two same sides of a magnet, to repel? They certainly repel me.

Variations on those awful shoe/bag theme are available on eBay... but I recommend a stiff drink and some visual pleasure (a picture of R-Patz, perhaps) before you take a peek. Car crash couture indeed.

Cinderella has a lot to answer for...

I saw these when I was browsing in River Island the other day and they literally took my breath away. Now, I know as River Island is rather too fond of the diamante and the embellishment I should have prepared myself for such an atrocity but I didn't, I just wanted to spend my voucher...

How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways...

1) They are a high heeled slipper. Correct me if I'm wrong but slippers are supposed to be comfortable, that soothing haven of foot bliss you slip into after a long day of cruel and uncaring, though aesthetically pleasing footwear. Therefore high heeled slippers are completely pointless. To be fair I do speak as someone that owns a Slanket and therefore places comfort as an utmost priority, so I do find these especially offensive.

2) So, we've deduced that they don't exist for comfort. So I assume then that they are supposed to be sexy? Maybe its because I try to avoid men that think pink fluffy stiletto slippers are sexy but c'mon, surely not?! I feel like the kind of man that would be turned on by these also loves Jordan and thinks Michelle Heaton is a sex goddess.

3) They have a kitten heel. Putting aside the fact that they are slippers and just judging them as shoes, kitten heels are AWFUL. Either wear a high heel and go for it, revelling in the extra inches it gives you, the way they make your legs look SO much slimmer and the beautiful downward swoop of the heel and deal with the foot pain and the fact that if a mugger/rapist/chugger accosts you you're pretty much done. OR, if that all sounds like too much hard work there are plenty of lovely flats and kicky biker boots that provide a stylish alternative. Kitten heels don't know if they are coming or going. They are for women who like the idea but can't be arsed with the hard work. Just ask yourself, what would Mary Kate do?

4) They're Pepto Bismol pink, a colour that shouldn't be worn by people over the age of 18 months.

5) They have the obligatory Diamante Island embellishment, as if they weren't bad enough.

I could carry on but I think if I look at them again I may vomit.

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!

Greetings ladies and lady-boys and welcome to the brand spanking new Things That Should Never Exist.

Think of this blog as a fashion graveyard if you will, a cyber-stocks in which we can hurl virtual rotten fruit at those sartorial atrocities that blight the fashion landscape. There are thousands of beautiful blogs out there which document the most stylish and artistic side of high fashion. So in the name of striking a balance, we present to you the low blows of high fashion...

So please, indulge your bitchy side, and revel in the disgustingness. If you have had the misfortune to witness anything as foul as the fashion mis-steps commemorated in this blog, feel free to send them our way and we’ll parade them in our Hall of Shame.